Week #4
Intro #2:
The old barn is over seventy years old and is leaning to the left. One of the old six pane windows is smashed out from an apple branch that hit it in the last hale storm. My son and I made our way through the field. Tyler slid the plank out of the holder and pulled the two rickity doors open. I took one side of the tarp while he took the other. The dust started to fly and I started to sneeze. Suddenly, time stood still and the memories came back to life. Tyler’s jaw hit the floor and his eyes were gleaming. He dropped his Ipod. It was my old Mustang that I drove around in when I was sixteen. The left fender had a dent in it and the left bumper had a scratch across it. The car had seen better days; that’s for sure! Tyler said, “Mom, what’s the story behind the dent?” Surely, I had to tell him.
I'm wary of stories. An essay will explain why the car is bunged up but it won't be a story; it will offer three reasons, one in graf 2, another in graf 3, last in graf 4. So, the lead-in looks good, the lead-out not so good.
ReplyDeleteI've read and already taken the other version, but on rereading, everything except the preview is really excellent--maybe better than the actual graf 1 you went with.
ReplyDeleteBut having too much good material is the kind of problem you like to have!